The Unexpected Joy of Choosing Self First

If harsh words such as "aren't you selfish!?" were ever spoken to you, you may have started to believe that putting your needs first was a selfish thing to do.

What if I told you that is simply not true? And, what if I told you that it's actually a rather dangerous way to live?

What do I mean by dangerous? Great question. I'm glad you asked.

During my training in Affective Liminal Psychology, I listened to a previous coach in training give a lesson on this topic. It was poignant. It was hard to digest. When I heard it, my self protection mode really wanted to resist, and couldn't. It was like taking a bit of something really nasty and having no choice other than to swallow, ingest, and digest. There was a lot of "sitting with it" as it slowly went down…..

The speaker said that when we don't practice self-care, we become dangerous to those around us. If we don't take care of ourselves first, how can we even know what we need and want? If we don't know this for ourselves, how can we expect someone else to know what we need and want and thus fulfill this (most likely unspoken, and thus not agreed upon expectation) to "make us happy"? We can't. And we shouldn't. It's up to us to make ourselves happy first and that is NOT selfish. It's a basic human need.

A Lesson From 1876

I love the TV program "Little House on the Prairie". I've recently started watching it from the beginning and in order. The year was 1876. That's only 149 years ago.

Back then, if you didn't fend for yourself, you would die. There were no government programs. There wasn't even indoor plumbing. If you wanted to stay warm, you went out and cut down a tree and chopped it and brought it near the house. When you were ready to cook, you walked to the creek and drew water and brought it back to the house. If you wanted to go somewhere you walked, rode a horse or rode in a carriage pulled by horses.

If you wanted to eat, you worked. Hard.

You had to take care of you first because there was no one else to do so. No one would have called you selfish for caring for all of those basic needs.

How Many Times Have You Said No to Yourself?

And how many times a week have you said "no" to a bubble bath and "yes" to someone else's need?

How many times have you forfeited a new blouse or pair of jeans, (even though you need them because you've been going to the gym for 3 months and nothing fits) because your child woke up 6 inches taller than when you tucked him in?

How many times have you said "not tonight" to an evening with a girlfriend because you're just too exhausted to even think about having fun?

Let's make it even simpler. How many times have you bought cheap beauty products for yourself in order to "save money" only to feel not as pretty as you used to?

Or ordered something else off the menu even though you cook 3 meals a day 5-7 days a week?

When we start saying "no" to our own, very personal needs, we start telling ourself we aren't worthy of those things or that time with that person or that weekend get away or day off. And it doesn't take long for us to believe it. And then, we subconsciously begin to expect those around us to fulfill those areas for us. And when they don't — because they can't and we'll talk about why they can't next — we get mad at them and decide they must not love us anymore and we start to behave as though we believe they don't love us anymore.

Is this making sense?

Selah……

Take as much time as you need to pause here and reflect on this. I know it might feel really heavy. It might feel like something you would rather throw a drink on and avoid. And, you're still here reading this so that tells me that you're ready to consider some new scientifically proven findings on……drum roll please……..being a human being in a human body that consists of BOTH body and mind and how they are so interconnected.

Your Brain Can Actually Change — Here's the Science

Neuroplasticity is REAL!

Definition of neuroplasticity: noun; the capacity of the nervous system to develop new neuronal connections. First recorded in 1970-1975. neuro+plasticity.

This LITERALLY means (and I have a serious pet peeve about using the word literally-metaphorically) this literally means that we CAN change how we think!

We CAN think our way to a much more fulfilling and joyfilled life!

For some people this is easier than for others and that's OKAY. Though there are likely millions and more things that brains and especially human brains do that's the same for all humans, there are also aspects of the brain that tend to work a bit differently in some people. I'm not going to say "groups of people" because I don't care for terminology that creates or endorses terms that label. Labels limit.

If you came here looking for a label so you can wear it like a badge and use it to excuse your bad decisions and continued poor choices while complaining about where you're at and still blaming your mom even though you're 40…… then you are in the wrong place.

If you instead are here to continue to dig into YOU and why YOU DO WHAT YOU DO because of the thoughts you are thinking — subconsciously and without your true awareness of them — until now. And if you are further ready to look at them, see where they came from and get curious around if they're still true and worthy of influencing you today…..

Then WELCOME! To the first day of the best of your life!! I'm so glad you made this unselfishly "selfish" choice for yourself.

When You Fill Your Own Cup First, Everyone Benefits

As you'll soon come to see, when we put our personal needs on the day planner first, we have so much more capacity to serve those around us.

I'm going to pause now and do just that myself!

Please, if you don't already have an attractive day planner of which the sight of it inspires you, either get one or make one or decorate one yourself! The important thing is that you are drawn to look at it and write in it….. Maybe have one made with a favorite picture from your camera roll.

Prioritize you this coming week!

On your phone you may want to set a timer for just taking two minutes to breathe deeply with eyes closed being thankful for all the things around you that you likely prayed and asked for at some point in your life…. Take it all in….Count your blessings….